A common statement made after the loss of a loved one is "you need to let go." But that statement has different meanings for many people and actually hurts some more than others. Moving forward and recovering from loss is important but telling someone to let go may be felt as dismissive. When loved ones are with us in our thoughts, memories and in some cases our personality and behavior, letting go is almost impossible and may just be a wrong choice of words.  

You need to carry on, work through grief and find new happiness, but the work of grieving is remembering your loved one as you move forward. Let your loved one guide you as you move forward; and that is not "letting go", that is allowing them to hold your hand.

Are you crying all the time, sleeping odd hours, or not sleeping at all and suffering from nightmares and memories of caregiver events? Your recent routine was caring and now there is a void and you may be confused  about the future. These are common symptoms after loss. But sometimes after the support from family and friends has ended, the dreaded symptom and silent fuel for depression and anxiety may actually be guilt. 

Guilty feelings after loss are that you did not do enough, made the wrong decisions, took too much action or not enough action, could have given more pain medication or gave too much pain medication, could have stayed longer, visited more, prevented the fall, stayed at the hospital for a few more minutes longer, and the list goes on and on. Memories flood during the night and sleep is often nonexistent. The tears of sorrow become the tears of guilt because the memory of someone suffering is too much to bear. The intrusive thoughts of guilt keep us focused on something in the past we believe we could have changed but may not have been possible at the time.  Flashbacks of an incident remain in your memory keeping the guilt alive and the result may be depression. So the next step after loss may be to release the guilt feelings to reduce the chances of a great depression and start to care for yourself. Easier said than done, but it is a step in the right direction.

Many ways to begin caring for yourself could be exercise or walks, meet with a friend who had similar experiences, journal your thoughts and feelings, watch comedies, get a massage, meditate, eat healthy foods, and definitely attend individual or group therapy and talk about the feelings of guilt. Share those feelings of guilt and expose those feelings so they no longer control you. The care and support you provided may have been significant enough to cause symptoms of PTSD so do take your feelings seriously. Take care of yourself for doing an enormous job of caring for your loved one because you had the strength to be the caregiver. Now it’s time to take care of you.